Style Conversational Week 1214: Bills of confusion The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over this week’s contest and results By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // Style Invitational editor February 9, 2017 Well, when your congressional class for the biennial Style Invitational “joint legislation” contest includes Rep. Mike Johnson (freshman) and Rep. Elijah Cummings (Maryland delegation), you know why we’re here with The Style Conversational. (See the bottom of this column for just a sampling of the unprintable entries the Empress received for this contest. That is, unless you have any maturity.) But as always, we easily filled up the Alternative Congressional Record with imaginative pairings, triplings, quadruplings and more in the results of Week 1210 . This week’s 39 inking entries represent the top 2 percent of a list of more than 1,800 entries that I puzzled through So You Didn’t Have To. The judging took perhaps twice as long as my usual slog, not so much because of so many entries as because it was like solving 1,800 puzzles — or, often, failing to solve them. Thanks to those who included (as I’d asked) translations of their entries on a different line from the entry; that let me read the entry without seeing the translation, but also check the explanation if I didn’t get it. About half the entries I looked up didn’t have explanations; none of those got ink, since I didn’t understand them. I don’t remember if any of the entries I had to check went on to get ink, but I do know that for some of these entries, I /never/ could have guessed what the entrant was trying to say. This one, for example: “The Espaillat-Gates-Dunn-King Act to reinstate waterboarding for espionage” — it’s supposed to be “A spy ought to get a dunking.” (The entrant did admit, “Okay its a stretch.” I’m wondering if Mrs. Incredible sent that one.) Often the name had the accent or a different syllable from the word it was supposed to “be” — or just had a bunch of extra letters. Obviously, I figured out, and found funny, all this week’s inking entries. But it’s not just because I’m so brilliant; it’s because I simply read more entries than you do: I most likely saw the same joke several times before I read the one that got ink, so I already could grasp that “Harris” sounds like “hair is” or “Taylor” can be read as “tell her,” or “Tenney” as “to any.” I bounced a few entries by several people; some got an entry right away, while others were utterly flummoxed on the same one. So I hope that at least the parallel column I published, with the results, will help your brow return to its pre-furrowed state — and of course that you got a kick out of at least most of the entries. It does seem that, perennially, people find it a fun contest to /do/. It’s the second Inkin’ Memorial win for Amy Harris, who received the Rookie of the Year plaque last summer at the Losers’ awards fest, the Flushies. I had no trouble figuring out “Dunn-Taylor-Yoder-King” — “Don’t tell her yo’ da king” — but I’ve now heard from two people who didn’t get it. Oh, well. “Yoder” was used another way by Ann Martin, who made it work for “odor” because the Y in Yoder combined with the previous name, Esty — which in turn combined with the end of Biggs to become “zesty.” I especially love entries like that — where the sound is very clear and accurate, but not unless the reader says it out loud. This is Ann’s 12th trip to the Losers’ Circle, and her 85th blot of ink in all. John Glenn’s “Byrne-Norton-Correa” bested a few other “Norton-Correa” entries; John typically submits only a handful of entries to a contest, and then often will substitute a revision later in the week. But his care has paid off to the tune of 47 blots of ink, 10 of them above the fold — a remarkable ratio. And how about that: First Offender Paul Jackson gets his choice of the “This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug or the “I Got a B in Punmanship” Grossery Bag, along with the Fir Stink for his First Ink . Not only that, but it was for the only entry he sent. Keep playing, Paul! *What Doug Dug:* Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood gravitated to two more political entries — Jesse Frankovich’s “Lawson-Dunn” (laws undone), and Danielle Nowlin’s “Hassan-Tenney-Johnson” on the theme of transgender access — plus Michael Rolfe’s Yoda-syntax joke and another one by Jesse, the Lewis-Barragan toilet joke. Meanwhile: People who won magnets in last week’s results, the invention fictoids: I hope to get them out with the letters today before the post office closes. I was just backed up this week with those goshdarn bills. *ALL THE BEST WORDS: THIS WEEK’S WORD-BANK CONTEST * In what’s likely to be a marked contrast with the joint-legislation results, in which 34 people got ink, Week 1214 probably won’t generate tons of entries — but some Invite Obsessives will go to town with some tour-de-force work. Since I posted this week’s contest this morning, Jesse Frankovich pointed out on the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page that his word count on Trump’s inaugural address came to 1,455 words, rather than the figure of 1,443 that I quoted from the American Presidency Project from UC Santa Barbara. Perhaps the lower figure doesn’t count “the,” or perhaps it’s that the transcript The Post used was the official prepared address rather than the actual utterance from the newly sworn in product of the American electoral system. In any case, I’m perfectly happy if you use the “longer” version that I link to. In judging our last word bank contest, “American Pie” in 2016, I was helped immeasurably by both Loser Todd DeLap, who compiled a list of all the words (and their frequency) in the song, and shared it with the rest of the Loser Community; and Loser Gary Crockett, who worked up a computer program to verify that an entry contained only words that were in the song, and no more frequently. If they — or other both technically inclined and highly generous Losers — would like to help out this year, please let me know. (While Gary vetted all the “American Pie” entries on my short­list — and found a few problems — I still didn’t give him ink that week. Sad bad lamestream media person, I am.) *NOT FIT TO PRINT? * Today, New York Times pundit Nicholas Kristof published the winners of his “Trump Poetry Contest,” which he says received 2,000 entries. Among his favorites was this limerick: If God made man in his image Please explain our new President’s visage That pucker and scowl Look like murder most foul What in heaven, Lord, earned us this priv’lege? Hmm. Well, Lines 2 through 5 are in good limerick meter. I’ll give it that. But the Loser Community seems to retain a firm lock on the Major News Organization Limerick Division. Meanwhile, poet Susan McLean, who has her very own blot of Invite ink, got Kristof ink today as well, with this quatrain: Trump seethes at what the writers say. He’ll pull the plug on the N.E.A. The joke’s on him. Art doesn’t pay. We write our satires anyway. *The Unprintabills*: * Unnatural acts* from Week 1210 /*Headline wordplay by Jesse Frankovich and Kevin Dopart, respect(?)ively/ There were sooo many Lee-King-Johnson, Cummings-Johnson, Bacon-Cummings etc. etc. etc. Here’s a sampling. NOTE: What’s wrong with you? Why are you looking at this filth? The Lee-King-Cummings Act authorizing funds for the preservation of Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress (Dave Airozo) The Byrne-Cummings Act to Reduce Venereal Disease (Rob Huffman) The Yoder-Cummings Act to Off Get (Jesse Frankovich) Young-Johnson-Banks bill to establish a national foreskin repository for men who change their minds (newbie Andrew Lewis — this one is actually pretty imaginative, and just a shade too yucky) The Comstock-King Declaration, announcing a new slang term for condoms. Don’t hang these by the chimney for Santa. (William Verkuilen) The Dunn-Cummings Resolution Mandating at Least Five Minutes of Cuddling Before Turning on “SportsCenter” (Todd DeLap) The Harris-Scott-Cummings Proclamation, to explain “bukkake” to prudes (William Verkuilen) Boys, boys, boys. *SAVE THE DATE (we think): THE FLUSHIES, JUNE 17* It seems as if we’ll once again have the annual Losers’ awards-fest and potluck at the 10-acre farm (complete with pettable barnyard animals) of Loser Robin Diallo. (This year we will will it not to rain.) Actually, Robin herself will be stationed in Baghdad with the State Department, but she will join us via Skype while husband Khalil will be his usual friendly in-person self. Details as they come together. *AND DON’T FORGET THE LOSER BRUNCH — FEB. 19* Heavy Seas Alehouse, a week from Sunday, at noon, in Arlington. I’ll be there — RSVP to Elden Carnahan at NRARS.org (click on “Our Social Engorgements”)